Im starting to have a shoulders-to-the-ears reaction any time a LW mentions how logical or reasonable their partner is. LW, if you feel like this isnt the most useful idea for you, thats okay. Do you want my help with remembering to do X? Not only is that (a) SO VERY NOT COOL, its also (b) likely reminiscent of the very types of behaviors that led to you developing those not good enough feelings in the first place. (36-45) So in the beginning my boyfriend and I went on nice dates and he paid for me sometimes. One person I dated who trampled all over my boundaries and was generally terrible would tell me that he was challenging me and that it was good to be a relationship with someone who.trampled all over your boundaries? Youll never get toned if you slacken off like that! You: NOT YOUR CALL. And its going to be almost impossible to dump him because youre so invested in him but you arent going to get better if he keeps breathing down your neck. May I just say that I love the analogy of a starter husband the one that makes you learn what to look out for next time. Respect is really important in relationships. Its possible. In high school, I was shy, introverted, and had low self confidence and poor social skills due to a history of being bullied in junior high and middle grade. and it helped him maintain his desired weight/made him feel good and he thought it was delish so it meant that I should. 5. He could be funny, kind, generous, and decent. If LW says For example, he seems to want a skinny girlfriend, and she wants a boyfriend who isnt a nagging douchecanoe. Also, I think its wonderful you put food down in front of her. Without the receptive, captive audience, it isnt nearly as much fun for him. Helpful. When one party has nothing else going on in their lives, they will rely heavily on the other person which can lead to problems later. ! certainly did not help with my mood issues. Its okay to stay, BUT IT IS ALSO OKAY TO GO. What could have turned him off about you in particular? So before you jump ship, make sure to use your words. My partner and I take walks, and thats about as far as it goes at this point. He tends to expect peoples feelings to be comprehensible and based on clear, material realities. Im also sure you have some great things in common and that you have fun together sometimes and that the relationship works some of the time, or you wouldnt have stayed this long. It took a while, but he doesnt do it much any more. Get a cookbook and try new recipes out with each other. This is a good question for a conversation with your boyfriend if indeed thats what has been going on! ' with the response You figured it out!. His only motivation to change is to stop you. He had money and I didnt. He is like the fucking human incarnation of depression. My mother used to literally scream at me if she saw my hand go anywhere near my head, my friends used to threaten to not speak to me if I cut myself, but no pressure! A common problem is people trying to push people to ignore their new physical limitations and overexert themselves, and this is really dangerous. You are not the only one. Boyfriend stopped texting me good morning. One thing Ive found helpful is the reflection that self-destructive actions are often also strategies for immediate survival for getting through particular moments. If it were, all any of us would need would be a personal trainers, and therapists would be out of business. Yo! Can you sock some money away for a rainy day? If it does happen though, most times he will cancel on short notice because something came up at work so he couldnt get out of it. Ok its possible I need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies. Its an unfortunate reality that some couples are couples not because they are passionately in love, but because its easier to stay together than it is to break up. Stop the "blame game" and examine your part in disputes or conflict. When your boyfriend stops calling the first thing you should determine is whether you did something that may have gotten him upset. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. You already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. It was exhausting for both of us. I dont know if your boyfriend will ever accept that your moods are part of the package but there will be someone who will. In detail. I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. So much sympathy to the LW for trying to make this work on top of making themself happy. My next question is maybe an obvious one, but what would happen if you didnt have a self-appointed expert on you and what you should be doing jump down your throat about all of your life choices or give you the silent treatment in your life at all? And OMG the stuff about veggies, sure veggies are great but the last thing you need is food policing from your SO, and again, veggies will not cure your depression. These are some questions many women ask themselves when they find themselves in this situation. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. OopsI didnt see your reply to my first post when I posted this one. Im going to read it again as soon Im done with this comment. Well, thats it, isnt it? be positive about the steps your partner does take every time I am aware of my partner taking a session on his exercise bike (which isnt every time he uses it, but often we watch tv together while he exercises), I comment about how I am proud of him. No one can acknowledge it exists. i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. When he talks to me like that, it starts to cancel out all my confidence. If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. Your boyfriends reaction to those scripts will tell you whether this relationship is worth keeping, or whether its time to move on. LW, you describe your partner as angry, and the type of anger is such that you qualify it as he never lashes out. Cant remember him ever doing this either. He might also benefit from seeing a therapist or counsellor himself to get some help supporting you. Work. Oh, LW, my heart is breaking for you. I was in a controlling relationship (where I had recurrent depression) and it took being away from my partner for 3 months (he left the country to visit family) to feel the intense relief and lift of stress and realize that the main problem was actually him. One of the surest ways to find out why he stopped putting in the work is by asking him. Sometimes someone elses misery is beyond what you (you in general, not you in particular) can affect. Much, MUCH kinder and gentler he always phrased things as suggestions, and he would never say that something I said was the stupidest thing Ive ever heard because thats mean and also I would dump him. I wish I could say I dumped him, but in fact what happened is we got through the sucky date, and he later told me our relationship had gotten stale, citing that fight as an example. My thoughts are with you, LW! He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic. I cant leave my house very much. Part of the reason my boyfriend and I managed to get through it (and got through it with a stronger relationship than I have with my mother) is the lack of picking and nagging. Yeah, the LWs boyfriends words sound like the very worst of my jerkbrains words. I hope that your boyfriend is willing to listen, and that he can eventually be supportive in the way that *you need him to be. As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel understood, and true understanding is not possible without empathy. Go to a concert and it doesnt have to be Jay-Z and Beyonce. And you know what? I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) Reasonable. LW, whatever you chose to do today is enough. Yeah sometimes it didnt go the way he planned and it caused some short term stressors for us, but better that than the alternative. its one of the downsides of having a toddler he still needs decent meals to function at anything like a survivable level. It sounds like your boyfriend has a dysfunctional relationship with your illness. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better.. And it is reasonable to want people who are important in your life to be supportive and helpful. Powered by Mai Theme. But in my mind, thats a world away from dismissing the idea of comfort altogether. We need a comfortable place to regroup after a challenge, to process the growth, to relax. Like, no. ", But It is indeed hard. They're Cold To You And more than. Loving yourself is the most important love of all. Jealousy is a range some people rarely get jealous and some people are constantly jealous (which, in general, is never a good thing). you can do it! the whole time. Even when its shaping your thoughts/actions/everythings, its not at all about YOU, your feelings, your hurt, your healing. I feel bad about the situation, but deep down, Im also wondering if I have a chance to be her rebound. Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. I said You know, a lot of the time people do what they want in the moment & dont think it through, especially when theyre having powerful emotional impulses. He was like well that way of life doesnt make sense. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) Youre should-ing all over yourself. Stuart Smalley (aka Sen. Al Franken). There's no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! He used to be the one who cheered you up when you were down, but now he is also always in a bad mood. Because he loves you and wants to see you shine for your own sake? But I really appreciate CAs gentleness to LW about that. A lot of the time, people feel like they need a Big Serious Reason (like I caught him bonking my sister or he burned my entire book collection then peed on the ashes) to dump someone. "Babe, something weird happened to me today," my boyfriend said as we sat down to dinner. All he wanted to do was sit and do . I wasnt being adventurous enoughby knowing for myself what I wanted to drink. As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. Do you ever get the feeling that your relationship would be completely over if you stop initiating texts or hang outs? The specific focus of the boyfriend on LWs food intake and physical exercise is major red flag. The Romantic Comedy You Should Watch This Valentines Day, Based On Your Zodiac Sign. Thats one form of love, I think: trusting the other person enough to let go and let them figure it out on their own. Ive seen it with Dan Savage, Dear Prudence, and lots of other people who offer advice in various forms of media. This may, sadly, be a dump him situation. I believe that my boyfriend (of almost 2.5 years) wants to help me succeed, be better, and do what we both know Im capable of. I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. People who get controlling about appearance are the pits. When I struggle with depression, I am fighting back against the numbness that settles over my body and mind standing up for yourself and your own care is such a wonderful and inspiring thing, wishing you all the best! The first few times you resist his help, I think he is going to release the Logick Kraken, who will logically and patiently recount all of the ways that you could be better if you only tried harder. And if its sunny then thats even better because I may have seasonal affective disorder (working on finding out with doctor) and the bright sunlight is just wonderful for my mood. But I only understood that in theory, I guess, because in practice, I was still trying to second-guess his desires left, right, and center. The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . Or the dark side: You will be fat and I will have to look at how fat you are and that would be terrible for me., My stepmother does this to my dad all the time. But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. Its not a cure; its a coping skill. You can also use the online chat. This is not a democracy. 1. Or because his life would be easier if you were happy? He often works in the context of a committed marriage, where the couple really do want to stay together, but the skills can be used in any romantic relationship, even w/ if the goal were very clear communication rather than trying to save a marriage. "Boyfriend when i first met him was sweet and full of potential. But my partner punishes me emotionally when I eat unhealthy food and dont exercise just sounds really bad out of context. The sex may not dwindle, but the cuddling will. ! I dont want to invalidate anyone who found exercise very helpful in getting better, but the reason depressed people find people constantly mentioning exercise so wearing is it honestly doesnt work for everyone. Third, I think some disaster preparedness is good self-care for you. I guarantee you it will only get worse. Or something like that, anyway. Nope, cant recall this either. It is true that a friend can see me in a ratty sweatshirt with my hair uncombed and know that thats a sign that something is bothering me, but making sure I put on a bright clean shirt and fix my hair, while appreciated, is not going to fix whats wrong over the long haul. (wanting to control you in not good ways), Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good. I want to challenge this. I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. Having a life outside of your relationship is important for both parties. What was it that made him stop putting in the work? What this involves is offering your emotional openness and love (instead of the tension of stress, fear and needing something to be happy). At the same time, dont make it too easy for him to get away with not making an effort because he may take that as a sign that youre afraid of losing him or that your feelings about his behavior arent really all that strong which could lead you two nowhere at all. Consider date nights too. When I started to develop some self-confidence! Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? Be sure to keep the tone of the conversation as calm and neutral as possible if you cant manage this then perhaps consider having a friend mediate for you until both of you are able to talk without getting too emotional about things. What steps can you take in order for him to feel less obliged and more willing again about making an effort with your relationship? Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. Someone who doesnt follow your clear requests on how to help you might not be good at helping you, or motivated to help you. Seriously. Can you help me strategize ways to respond? This is an ongoing issue, and you have an ongoing resource at your disposal to work on it. Yeah and also see direct quote/short version of him. Sorry, it posted before I was done. If he only does that with yours, thats not being logical, thats being a dick. Beloved Human gets it now, and if I send a text saying, X happened, and Im flailing. But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. In the former case, dump him and run. but wanted to make sure you knew he wasnt judging/minding/caring about your choice of snack. I am so glad you realize that they are NOT your due. Hlepy people may accept correctionor they may not. Except theyre not actually asking YOU whats best for you. Id probably be a lot less functional had he pushed me. 1) It really doesnt appear to be helping you (being berated and controlled is bad for humans) You can tell that he isnt as into you anymore because of the lack of physical contact between both of you. Its also almost impossible to judge a situation from one account one letter, in this instance. Telling me I am not being logical. Send any friend a story As a subscriber, you have 10 gift articles to give . What can you do to make him see that youre a strong, independent woman who doesnt need anyone looking after her? Why would they do that to me?. This is emotional abuse designed to make you feel incompetent and bend your will to his. I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. That is exactly the right way to help, I think. Annnnnd, suddenly I understand why my husband is forever puttering about in the garden. When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. . I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. Doesnt mean partners have to stay, or even should stay. As the Captain and some of the Army have said, sometimes people need a bit of time to reset themselves mentally from caretaker, and weird things can stand in for anxiety about another person. No matter a guys reason for not putting in an effort, it doesnt excuse his behavior. They write because stuff is horrible and awful and they cant work out how to fix it (without breaking up). Bliss. That is how that behaviour makes me feel. These are pretty direct statements. This is a guy who hasnt figured out how to be kind and supportive in even the most basic ways. Our whole relationship was based on me being the messy, emotional one that he had to take care of and he had no idea how to relate to me outside of that context. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. LW, I just wanted to applaud and celebrate a part of the Captains advice: I think your depression might be getting betterYou already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. Exactly. Honestly the best thing for me was talking with a therapist on my own and learning boundaries (see my comments above). See if there are ways you can make some of the self-care you want her to do easier. It doesnt sound like the boyfriend is helping the LW at all in this area; if anything, hes making changing food and exercise habits into a huge source of stress. Your dreams for the future have taken a back seat. He is avoiding it. Rest days are a vital part of an exercise routine. I just want to say something about this part of the Captains advice: However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. My Boyfriend Passed Away Suddenly, and This Is What Grief Feels Like. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/. Yup. Also *I* will be happy when youre skinny. Which . Remember that there are always reasons why people do the things they do. I dont even have to duly note your concern or take that under advisement. The Captain makes some good points about transitioning from one kind of relationship to another, but there are some really worrying bits, here. Thanks for this post, Captain and LW. To literally hear them from an external source that would be really hard to take, and hard to stay healthy. Some men just dont want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that. I think this is great advice. Your boyfriends Exercise more! Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). Another sign your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that you start doubting whether he really loves, cares, and wants to be with you. Getty Images The Redditor wrote: "So I stopped him saying I'd appreciate. He felt justified in hurting my feelings as long as it was based in reason.. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. Just continuous improvement and waiting to be happy. Depression. . He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions. And should usually comes from a not so great place. Look, Im sure there are people out there who respond to tough love or whatever bullshit he thinks he is doing, but frankly, Ive never met someone struggling with depression and low self-esteem who did. People arent all good or all bad, but its okay to leave a good person if theyre treating you badly. I just sit there with a BMI of 40 and a face like this . I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. There are certainly some grave warning signs here the passive aggression being one of them; its so easy to let someone know how little you mean to them by ignoring them in the day to day, withdrawing affection and communication. Feelings of shame and guilt. See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. 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Former case, dump him situation treat you boyfriend stopped trying something weird happened me. Or because his life would be out of business to duly note your concern or take that advisement...